Anyway, there are rules. First, I starve myself all day, then swallow it with water. Second, I wait for my cheeks to flush, which takes about a half hour. It's the same flush I get with beer. With red cheeks, a strange confidence is born. Fear retreats to some distant part of the psyche as I approach a bedroom with red satin sheets, where a woman with long blonde hair gyrates her naked hips to KC and the Sunshine Band's "Get Down Tonight." But it's not night. It's early afternoon. Perhaps "Afternoon Delight" would be a more suitable song.

"Take it?" the woman goes. "Took it," I answer. "Let's do it," she responds.

Her name's Melissa. She could be the neighbor's wife. I don't know. She said something about dancing. I met her when we were both getting our mail over at the community mailboxes down the street. She's wearing white lingerie and has white garters. I put my hands on her wiggling hips and I can feel the Viagra moving through me like a primal cry.

I get Melissa on the bed. A little foreplay. Wow, thing's are springing to attention with the slightest provocation. "I got bottoms," Melissa says, "I want the full effect." She's below me, as if the Viagra demands it. Why, it's not even dusk and I'm transformed into a STUD, and can easily go for two or more hours. I'm almost 50, making love to a sexy blonde woman n her 30s. I've never satisfied ANY woman like this before, even when I was in my teens and twenties.

"Faster!" she goes. I take it up a notch. I can hear the finches outside chirping and cars racing down La Jolla Boulevard. Sexual stamina becomes a moot point as I'm thrusting away like a madman. Melissa is pinned under me, moaning to beat the band. Our sweat forms a river and our bodies seem to squeak as skin rubs skin. I slow down, then speed up again, varying my Viagra Technique.

It's true that variety is the spice of life and my advice for the Viagra Man is to vary the speed and work in a little bump and grind. "Faster," Melissa goes, "faster!" Gee, I thought I was going as fast as I could. But no. I can go faster. Honest to god. I speed up as the Viagra takes charge of my soul. Soon I'm working it to her liking, her long blonde hair splayed over the pillow, and then, suddenly, Melissa takes charge.

She climbs on top and I'm the submissive Viagra Man, absorbing her blows, helping her work to climax. But it's my climax too as we somehow reach orgasm at the same moment and the walls are vibrating with our screams as if we were hit by an earthquake that's over 6 on the Richter scale. My god, I wonder what Heaven's like, cause I think I just sampled a piece.