Cosmos Shaped Like a Phallus

Responding to an announcement earlier this week by a team of physicists in Ulm, the birthplace of Albert Einstein, that the universe is shaped like an infinitely tall Eiffel Tower, a group of researchers at Stuttgart University countered with their own theory: the universe is shaped like an infinitely long and perpetually erect penis. The scientists cited complex mathematical calculations as well as new data from astrophysicists to support their findings.

Dr. Hans Belker, a Stuttgart professor who has devoted the last decade to studying this problem, was as surprised as anyone at the results of the groups’ research. “Previously we thought that the universe was shaped like a donut, then we thought it was a football,” he said. “We were expecting something along those lines.”

”When I saw the initial diagrams on the blackboard, I thought a student was making a crude joke, Dr. Belker confessed. “I mean, it was clearly a penis. It looked like a drawing you would see on the bathroom wall. But when I ran the equations myself, I came up with the same result. It is no joke.”

What is particularly exciting about this new discovery says Alvin Schuyler, professor of astrophysics at the University of Chicago, is that it may help solve another problem that has long daunted astronomers – the origin of the cosmos. “This new theory would certainly go a long way toward explaining the Big Bang.”

The research team claims their findings are more accurate because they take into account certain distortions in space and concentrations in matter. “Here, for example,” said Dr. Belker, “In the ‘scrotal’ area of the cosmos, you see a distension in the fabric of space and also a dispersal of heavier matter.”

As to what allows the universe to maintain this elongated shape, researchers turned to deep interstellar space to find the key. “In our spectral analysis of particulate matter in space – cosmic dust, if you will – we found the chemical building blocks of Viagra. They aggregate into dense clusters that we call Viagroids. We think that these help maintain the structural tension that gives the universe this particular shape.”

Further analysis, says Belker, revealed evidence that would account for data suggesting that the universe is in a state of expansion. “Throughout the cosmos we also found indications of compounds commonly used in penis enlargement formulas.”

What will happen when the cosmic supply of enhancement matter is used up? “This is a possibility,” says Belker, “Because there is a limit to how much matter is available in space for the synthesis of Viagroids. What we would anticipate would happen then is that the fabric of space would begin to lose its turgidity, become flaccid, and eventually collapse upon itself. But this is billions and billions of years from now.”